A Hasidic Jew saw my butt today. I buy shorts that are four sizes too big; shorts in my waist size choke dem thighs. What’s the opposite of a muffin top? But like, two of them? Anyway, I’m in a Kosher grocery store trying to find some Schug. I don’t know about you, but when I go into a grocery store to pick up one thing, I walk past the baskets, and just make it to checkout before dropping everything on the floor. In this case, my shorts dropped instead of all the unnecessary purchases in my arms. I had to spread my legs and squat while I found a place to put it all down so I could lift my shorts up over my now exposed, and thonged*, butt. Cool. Once I manage to do so, I turn to go grab a basket and find that I am not alone. He asked if I needed help. I told him that no one can help me.
For the peanut dressing: