I think I’m dirty. As a human, that is. I go at least two weeks before washing my hair, just with conditioner. Before going to sleep, I wipe my face down with a make-up remover cloth and don’t bother washing it. I’ll wear the same bra 28 times before washing it. Sweaty gym clothes are worn twice before being tossed into the laundry hamper. I have been wearing the same pair of shorts everyday for a week without washing them.

Here is my defense: I thrive to be a pirate.

My hair is crazy, kinky, puffy, and wavy. I look like I should live in the jungle and be named Jane. Like, borderline dreadlocks. I have been told not to wash my hair because it will dry out and puff up even more. Not a good look. So… I don’t wash it. I’ll get it wet, but don’t shampoo it. It probably doesn’t smell great, but the dirtier my hair is, the better it looks. Those are facts.

These are all “facts” too: If you wash your face too much, you’ll break out even more. Right? I heard that somewhere once. Bras lose shape if they’re washed too much! Plus, how much do boobs sweat? If I’m going to the gym to get sweaty and gross, what’s the point of putting on clean clothes?

I got nothing for the shorts. It’s pretty gross. And I take back the boob sweat question. I could probably open a tiny resort for tiny imaginary people under my boobs with the amount of sweat that accumulates there. Aaaaamarite, ladies? (Posed to women wearing C cup and larger.)

Maybe I am dirty according to some people’s standards. But, I always smell nice and appear to be clean. That’s what’s important. I shower every day. Promise. And I only thrive to be a fake pirate, not a real pirate.

It’s summer, right? So I wanted to make something refreshing and fruity that can be enjoyed either as a drink or as a DRANK. Cue Kirko Bangs’ Drank in My Cup. I’m not sorry for using a chicharon as a garnish. I know, it’s not kosher… sorry mom. You can obviously leave it out. But, believe me, the flavor combination is surprisingly delicious. You can get a small snack bag of them at any bodega or corner store. You’ll have left over chicharones, I ate them.

Watermelon Cucumber Drank

Makes 4 DRANKS or just 1 really big DRANK for yourself.

Drink responsibly.

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1/4 of a large seedless watermelon plus more for garnish

1 english cucumber, plush more for garnish

Club Soda

good quality Vodka

Garnishes

chicharones

watermelon, cut into cubes

cucumber, sliced very thinly long ways

Maldon salt

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1. Set up 2 bowls with strainers lined with a double layer of cheese cloth.

2. Roughly chop the watermelon and blend until completely liquified. Pour into the cheese cloth liked strainer over one of the bowls. Let this drain for at least 35 minutes in the fridge.

3. Rinse the blender and repeat step 2 for the cucumber.

4. Pick up the cheese cloth and try to squeeze out as much of the liquid as possible from both the watermelon and the cucumber. You should have about 2 1/2 cups of watermelon juice and about 1/2 cup cucumber juice. Mix the juices in a pitcher. You can stop here and have a fresh, virgin, fruit juice. Or…

5. Fill four glasses half way up with ice.

6. In each glass, pour 1 oz (or 2 oz) of vodka over the ice.

7. Add 3/4 cup of juice in each glass and mix with a bar spoon to chill.

8. Top up with a splash or two of club soda, garnish with cucumber slice, watermelon cubes, chicharones, a sprinkle of Maldon salt, and DRANK.

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